I'm Harriet...

A few days after the first national lockdown, I started to develop symptoms. During the following days I became more and more ill, in what would be one of the scariest and then most challenging experiences of my life. 

I was never the same after my infection, both from the PTSD of the acute infection, and also the ensuing chronic illnesses that I seemed to start collecting - all under the umbrella name of 'Long Covid'. 

In Autumn 2020 the GP (the first of many negative healthcare experiences) diagnosed me with 'post viral fatigue', as Long Covid was not yet an accepted term, and he encouraged me to engage in 'GET' (Graded Exercise Therapy). And if you only take one thing away from my website please let it be that this would have been catastrophic advice to follow! (Please see here for more information and to learn from the essential advocacy of ME community)

And despite a lucky escape from the dangers of GET due to already being lucky enough to be connected to chronically ill friends who could advise against it, I still kept getting worse. 

I felt that I was trying all the things. I was doing all the research. I was really really trying, but none of it worked. I had to leave my job. I spent 6 months primarily in bed (unable to stand for a shower or to tolerate much interaction, or even watch an episode of TV) and over a year primarily in the house, and unable to walk more than a few minutes without experiencing debilitating PEM (post exertional malaise). 

Long Covid stripped me of every coping mechanism I had.

The frameworks from which I'd approached the world were no longer applicable. Working harder, trying more, moving more didn't work. Not only did these not work, they were making things cumulatively worse. 

At some point I started the process of unlearning all of these systems of thinking I had grown up with. More was no longer more. Trying harder was no longer a virute. I started to unpick the ableism underneath all these narratives, and underneath I found a beautiful source of anticapitalism inspiration - my body. My body set limits that were not palatable to society. She became a rebellious guide that I have grown to deeply respect and appreciate, even if I struggle to always listen when I need to.

My health is ever changing, and I'm grateful to be in a period of more stability and capacity righ now. And I know that I will never go 'back to normal'. 

I was stripped of the privilege of the illusion that health and strength are something we have control over or that we can expect. And I was given a new perspective on just how amazing bodies are, and how privileged we are for the ways that they allow us to navigate the world. I became grateful for the mundane things like being able to take a shower, to walk, to listen to music.

There is a beauty and fragility in the human experience and our lives are richer, more intentional and more authentic for embracing this rather than rushing and pushing on through.

I tapped into community through online connections, and became a fierce advocate for the power of online communities and spaces. I became more radical and therefore more loving in my politics both personally and professionally - learning from the Disability Justice movement and becoming part of the Covid Conscious community. I learned about radical community care and continue to learn and grow and develop in ways that this can look and applying frameworks of accessibility and inclusion to community building and community care. 

And from this unexpected, unwanted, but ultimately powerful life transition, I came to the work that I do today. 

I gently eased my way back to presence and resource. I realised that it wasn't the volume or location or experiences that make a meaningful existence, but instead the quality of attention and commitment to self awareness that allow you to find awe in the mundane. 

So I grew my toolkit and practices and knowledge, and combined them with my deepened commitment to accessibility as a form of love, to create the work that I share here today.